I couldn’t have imagined the conversations about race I would have with my two year old. Some of the first things that came up were just about observing difference, like identifying different skin tones. At daycare, his peer who is Indian described his own skin as gold, and my son’s skin as sky gold. First off, this reinforced for me that we should leave it to children to determine nomenclature if we want to move toward removing bias from terms more commonly used to describe skin tone and race in our society. But it wasn’t long before the more innocuous references evolved to reflect the harm that happens for black, brown, and mixed race children simply because they are being raised in a racist society.
Image credit: Jerritt Clark/Getty Images
When the popular artist, entrepreneur, and activist, Nipsey Hussle, died from gunshot wounds, my son heard people talking about the impact of his loss. One morning that week, I was playing a tribute mix and he suspected it was the rapper he’d heard about. He said, “Mommy, I want to see.” I showed him the picture displayed on my phone while one of the tracks played. He then asked, “He was shot because he was black?” Without answering that question directly, I told him that Nipsey Hussle was someone who was doing great things in his community and someone got mad and shot him. I explained that this is why people were so upset. I wasn’t ready to confirm for him what he's already started to perceive. That people of color are disproportionately killed all around us. And yes, sometimes for nothing more than the color of their skin. A few moments later he was sitting facing the mirror while I was doing his hair and says, “Mommy, I don’t want to be black anymore.” I turned him toward me and told him he was beautiful and unique and that I never wanted to hear him say that he wasn’t proud of every part of who he is.
At that point it was really reinforced for me, that if I’m not working everyday to provide a strong counter narrative to the dominant one, that my child will not only subconsciously internalize harmful beliefs about himself, but will also live with a conscious fear that his life may be in danger.
This makes me think about all of the ways hidden trauma can be caused by daily messages we receive throughout our lives. In the national dialogue about trauma and trauma informed education, it is imperative we consider adversities such as exposure to racial trauma, hate crimes, intergenerational trauma, organizational oppression and racism, microaggressions, and even bullying and school violence. Looking through the eyes of a child, reveals how these things impact us all. We must also ensure that conversations about trauma informed practices and unconditional education always explicitly address how race and identity factor in.
My son is three now and I am proud to be raising him in a multi-racial and multi-cultural family and community. We talk about race, culture and identity. I am conscious about the media he is exposed to and love that two of his favorite songs right now are positive representations of aspects of his identity: Bepot by Black Eyed Peas and Black Panther by Donny Arcade & 4biddenknolwedge. We read books featuring diverse protagonists and families. Still, I know this is not enough and one of my biggest hopes is that he will go to a school that continues to support the development of a counter narrative about race. It is also one of my biggest hopes that this is exactly what we are all working toward by implementing Unconditional Education in schools through our All-In! Partnerships.
What are the ways you are actively reshaping narratives about race within your own family or within your professional role in education and mental health? Please leave a comment to share!
At that point it was really reinforced for me, that if I’m not working everyday to provide a strong counter narrative to the dominant one, that my child will not only subconsciously internalize harmful beliefs about himself, but will also live with a conscious fear that his life may be in danger.
This makes me think about all of the ways hidden trauma can be caused by daily messages we receive throughout our lives. In the national dialogue about trauma and trauma informed education, it is imperative we consider adversities such as exposure to racial trauma, hate crimes, intergenerational trauma, organizational oppression and racism, microaggressions, and even bullying and school violence. Looking through the eyes of a child, reveals how these things impact us all. We must also ensure that conversations about trauma informed practices and unconditional education always explicitly address how race and identity factor in.
My son is three now and I am proud to be raising him in a multi-racial and multi-cultural family and community. We talk about race, culture and identity. I am conscious about the media he is exposed to and love that two of his favorite songs right now are positive representations of aspects of his identity: Bepot by Black Eyed Peas and Black Panther by Donny Arcade & 4biddenknolwedge. We read books featuring diverse protagonists and families. Still, I know this is not enough and one of my biggest hopes is that he will go to a school that continues to support the development of a counter narrative about race. It is also one of my biggest hopes that this is exactly what we are all working toward by implementing Unconditional Education in schools through our All-In! Partnerships.
What are the ways you are actively reshaping narratives about race within your own family or within your professional role in education and mental health? Please leave a comment to share!
Blog Post Written By: Dr. Tamarah Tilos, Assistant Director of School Partnerships
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